Camborne School of Mines Hockey Club

Mirror mirror on the wall...

2011-11-22T16:57:00.004Z

Now we are all aware our beloved 1st XI hockey captain spends as much time looking in the mirror as he can get away with, but can you imagine finding Dicky(less) pampering himself to the point of using a face mask? OK, yes is the obvious answer, but it was still a shock to find this CSM boy(?) lathered up with Boots' finest facial cosmetics. Upon questioning it was revealed "My beard was getting itchy". On your bike Dicky, everyone knows you don't grow hair anywhere else but your vagina.

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN ;)

2011-11-10T15:23:00.003Z

CSM Hockey Club would like to extend their apologies for the poor quality of recent posts, it seems the password for this blog fell into the wrong hands. A few fingers were pointed, the blame was shifted more than once, but who let the secret slip is by the by. All is forgiven. The question came down to who had usurped this page? Who had weaseled their way in and muddled the clear waters of our blog. We searched our minds for possible foes (RSM?) for all of 3 minutes, until it hit us, we had been asking ourselves the wrong questions. The key lay, not with who could have found out the password, but rather who on earth can write so poorly? The answer ladies and gentlemen would be the women(?) of CSM's own Netball squad. We can only assume an aggressive takeover was necessary because their own blog generates such little interest, however, we don't play dirty and feel it only fair to re-direct any fans of the below posts here; http://csmnetball.blogspot.com/ where you can espy the Netball squad in all their glory.

Laboris Gloria Ludi

Negotiations await...

2011-11-10T10:59:00.002Z

Whilst all seems quiet on the battlefields of the great war, it would seem that forces were recuperating and the victorious side were awaiting contact, for negotiations to begin for the return of the treasures these foolish little boys lost so carelessly. However, alas, no contact was made, and instead forces lead by the notorious judas clark, have been *attempting* a rebuttal. Instead of a dignified, civil course of action, crybaby judas has been plotting, like the pre-pubescent little girl he truly is. His undignified, embarrassing actions have brought him to the lowly actions of attempted theft, slander and trickery, and each pathetic attempt has just pushed him further away from the treasure he so greatly seeks.

Your self-appointing web masters have seen the carnage on the battlefields, and are appalled by the dirty tactics; the world watched on as within the hockey club friend became foe and fingers began pointing to discover who is to blame. The in-house squabbling of these little schoolboys is an utter disappointment to be seen by all, and even a CSM dignitary and ex president expressed his disgust in the melodramatic, theatrical reactions, particularly from our vey own Judas. We can announce that there are a number of soldiers involved in the release of their oh so valued treasure; these include Private Bomber, Private Pecs and Private Judas.

We await contact from a representative of the opposition when negotiations for a truce may begin; we suggest NOT sending emotional melodramatic truro players - as to be honest we are all bored of this and really really, don't care that much. until then...

xoxo

Harry Potter and the EPIC TAKEDOWN...

2011-11-08T13:10:00.008Z

Once upon a time, in a sleepy town known as Falmouth, there were a group of schoolboys who believed they reigned the land as far as the eye could see; Falmouth to Penryn, Tremough to Camborne, and in particular, the pre-pubescent little school children, were within the delusional state of believing that the virtual world of blogging, was too, within their domain. Oh how we’re about to prove them SERIOUSLY wrong….

These foolish little boys underestimated the power of their opponents, and were somewhat indiscreet with the secrets of their kingdom. Whilst these boys were spouting their 9 carat gold shanter, the superior gender were quietly strategizing their plan of attack…

Chief Cradle Snatcher, previously known as ‘Judas’ or ‘Chunder Clark’, has been spotted making late night rendezvous with a certain 18-year-old, dare we say, STALKER. This newcomer on our scene has continued to fulfil her quest to infiltrate and consummate Judas and his disciples, and even after being severely wounded in battle, on the field of Remedies, continues to attempt to fulfil her mission, and is still foaming and wide open for more of the Snatcher.

Meanwhile, despite attacks from the fresher camp, Judas retreated from this situation, and, in his completely predictable, traitor ways, has been wandering his way, with his tail between his legs, to the opposition headquarters. After being enticed by a certain welsh mistress, Judas has been spotted inviting the opposition over for ‘snuggles’… even in opposition camp, this went down somewhat sickeningly. This pathetic display is awkward for everyone, and his proposals for cuddles with ‘takeaway and tv’ are becoming a massive giveaway of the huge VAGINA hiding within his Hawaiian boxers.

It is with sadness that we proclaim that life is not much better for any of Judas’ disciples… Let us continue our tale of woe with the battle Fresherfield. This blood-stained war has raged all the way from the confines of the Stannary to the glass-strewn and carpeted floor of Club I. Casualties have been taken on either side, the most notable being ‘Bomber’ Harris. Despite his (futile) attempts, he has been unable to escape the razor-sharp claws of a certain ‘Snoopy’ fresher and has crossed over to the dark side.

This loss has been a blow to the entire clan – however, a new successor has been announced… the Peardophile. Despite only being a trainee under the watchful eye of Colonel ‘Ladaffi’ Harris, this trainee soldier has rebelled after a certain deniable and ‘eyes only’ cinema trip with his Captain and ‘Snoopy’ fresher. Tired of being in the shadows, Peardophile has boldly usurped his leader in an attempt to further his romantic career. After being spotted in a number of JW-esque shirts, Peardophile has been seen bed-hopping his way across Falmouth. Despite the apparent glamour of this mutiny, news has reached our ears that Peardophile, the inferior strategist, has been using a mixture of Jager and fringe-flicking to entice his prey into his lair.

Speaking of alcohol-related conquests, it would appear that Peardophile’s strategy is favoured by another member of the schoolyard gang, J.K Foyling. This bargain bin author has been spotted across the realm duelling ferociously. Although Jagermeister sales have benefited from his battle, there have been many casualties with Foyling being defeated by part-time girlfriend and full-time LAD, Laura Williams. This fair maiden has demonstrated the superiority of the female hockey team, by her ability to slay Foyling in many a boat race.

Unfortunately for these so-called ‘athletes’ not all of them have such tales of success… Robby Potter himself has been defeated in the battle for Cho Cheldon’s heart. This fair maiden has sensibly rejected the boy magician’s advances much to his dismay and consternation. This defeat has prompted a childish outburst in which Potter made the outrageous claim that Cheldon is in fact, a witch-muncher. This pathetic attempt at covering his utter lack of wizarding prowess has been duly noted at Headquarters and we would like to take this opportunity to respond to these outrageous claims. We understand that it is frustrating for Mr Potter that all of his romantic advances seem to be crashing down around him, however we suggest a strong dose of Amortentia or Felix Felicis in future rather than starting vicious and incorrect rumours about a superior wizard.

And so boys and girls, the story ends, the CSM men’s hockey team are put in their rightful place in the wizarding world, that is, the bottom of the heap; the squibs. The truly victorious will always rise, and will always have their will. Despite feeble attempts to be taken over and viciously slandered, glory remains to be ours…

Always watching, xoxo

The Peardophile

2011-11-07T15:02:00.002Z

It would appear that as one infamous CSM hockey player gets older his taste in women gets younger... Dave Pearson aka the Peardophile, whilst on a bus recently, received a wave from one of his conquests as she was leaving school.........Nice work Dave

Harry Potter impersonation, J.K.Foyling seeks law suit

2011-11-07T14:59:00.002Z

A recent blog post has prompted esteemed author to seek legal action.

Sunday Roast ala Gregory.

2011-11-06T13:28:00.001Z

Man Down Manning Down.

2011-11-06T13:24:00.001Z

Judas Iscariot Clark

2011-10-31T17:15:00.003Z

The Apostle who betrayed CSM Hockey.

The name Judas is the Greek form of Judah (Hebrew) Judas Clark readily lived up to his names Hebrew heritage and relished the opportunity to handle the team’s money. Judas served as fine player to CSM Hockey and its many disciples. In the Gospel of John (12:6), Judas is portrayed as middle class and a sexually ambiguous man. According to the Gospels, glory made him betray CSM Hockey to Pontius Truro for 30 pieces of “silver”.

Next Harry Potter installments

2011-10-19T14:47:00.002+01:00

Readers keep posted, the sequel to the Chambers of Secrets will be out by the end of the week!

Also in light of a recent Bristol trip and "The Art of Reg******tion" there could be a another Harry Potter book on the way:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows

Stay tuned...

The Art of Reg******tion.

2011-10-17T14:56:00.001+01:00

Censored.

Skype Service Update.

2011-10-15T11:34:00.001+01:00

Further to our last update, we can confirm that there has finally been a decrease in the bandwidth traffic between the UK and Australia. This surge of free network space has had a dramatic effect on the worlds communication networks as has been witnessed over the past few days. Let's hope normal service is here to stay for quite some time.

New blog master OUT as I believe they used to say!

Laddafi Clinton did NOT have sexual relations with those freshers

2011-10-14T18:38:00.005+01:00

The new President ran into trouble on Friday after false allegations that he had sexual relations with up to 7 freshers in the space of a week. The psychologically unstable woman making the accusations was seen to have struck our president leaving him in a critical condition. The ambulance was quickly on scene and Clinton was treated for possible testicular torsion.

This event comes in tough times for Laddafi Clinton as it was also heard that the president has come under flack from the university about his excessive drinking and partying in recent weeks. He was unable to comment on this due to holiday leave...

SPAM!!!

2011-10-14T18:34:00.002+01:00

Are you as tired of this shit as we are???

We're Back!!!

2011-10-14T17:56:00.002+01:00

It has been a long time since we last spoke to you all, and believe me, a lot has happened in these past few months. You may have thought you had gotten away with it? Think again. Now that the Cougar has finally been slain what will take its place as the hot topic public interest and what will become of Falmouth's Rapid Response Park Ranger Crack Team???

Recent persons of interest that have come to our attention:

The Chamber of Secrets
The Dambuster
The Orangutang
Rob Lee - Who has 'never had a nickname' (we wonder why...)
Laddaffi Clinton
Judus Clark
The Foundation Fiend
The New Foundation Fiend
Dangerous Dave

All have been up to many things - All of them deliciously debaucherous!!!

A young Miss Page.

2011-08-14T12:26:00.001+01:00

Nice.

SUPER GAY

2011-08-02T11:24:00.002+01:00

The boy has still got lots to give to all those boys...

Ladaffi Harris.

2011-05-10T21:39:00.002+01:00

YES JONO!!!

Too good to miss...

2011-05-02T23:06:00.002+01:00

James Rough. UNLUCKAY it seems!!!

More Fuel For The Fire.....

2011-04-15T15:25:00.000+01:00

Raging Homo Sailor Boy???

A Message.

2011-03-16T00:20:00.003Z

After the fantastic game yesterday against Truro 1XI this text was circulated. I feel it right to immortalise it here. So for once, a sincere post!

"Boys, I am so fucking proud to say that I'm a CSM hockey player with you all! We all played so well tonight and can go away with our heads held high! We gave that team a proper suprise even with a less than full strength side! So proud boys! ... And yes this is GAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!! :P Love you all kiddies! XxXxXxXxX"

- Michael Cockerill (14/03/2011)

After a 2-2 result at full time the game went into extra time and despite scoring first we were beaten 3-4 with the winner coming in the last 30 seconds! (Match report to follow). What a great game it was, and a great pleasure to play in. Such a shame to lose in the way we did. Great performance by all involved and something for CSM Hockey to remember for a long time to come!

What a way to seal the Hat-trick. The Sharpley is Back!!!!

2011-02-28T22:07:00.009Z

CSM MENS 1XI WINNERS BOTTLE 2011

So after all the chat and abuse suffered over the past few weeks the big day arrived. Could CSM retain the Sharpley? Preparations for the game got underway many weeks ago with the now traditional hair dying and mulletting. Friday evening saw the team enjoy a 'new' version of the famed 'Lucky Beer' of past Bottle Matches. After a fairly sleepless night the team assembled and prepared to do battle. There was a surprise visit from the ex-CSM legends that are Tom 'Chunder' O'Boyle and Ed 'DOZER' Doe. Chunder delivered a rousing poem and the team was ready to do some damage!

To the match...

After a nervous start and a 0-0 score line at half time, questions and doubts were beginning to be asked of the CSM team despite hitting the post and coming close several times. Was the pressure getting to them? Well of course the answer was NAWWWWTT!!!

The second half quickly saw Will Herzog score and tidy goal after recieveing a great ball from Michael Cockerill helped along the way with a sublime deflective touch from Will Spain. 1-0. Once the deadlock had been broken the game toppeled in CSM's favour and a second goal was soon added to the tally. Jamie Clark scoring his 30th of the season with a dubious attempt at a drag flick that found its way into the corner of the goal, albeit with the help of an RSM stick. 2-0. Play continued and the game became heated with some big challenges from both sides, SAFA started a fight after attempting to put his stick up the RSM right backs' shorts, and James 'The Doc' Tennant decided to boot the same RSM'er's stick from his hands several minutes later (Video to follow), BOSH!!!

After 10 minutes or so of fighting CSM were a player lighter as Richard Foy decided he'd had enough of having to defend very little from the RSM attack, and wanted to sit on the side with his lovely girlfriend. He dutifully called the umpire several names and was dismissed for some mid-game sexy time.

Will Spain then decided to go on a tremendous run through most of the RSM team and eventually crossed the ball to SAFA who slotted home CSM's 3rd and all but secured the Sharpley once more with about 10 minutes to go. 3-0. However RSM to their credit still had some fight in them and managed to pull a goal back against the otherwise solid CSM defense. The game became heated once again. 3-1.

With little more than 5 minutes left the game was sealed in spectacular fashion with another goal from Jamie 'Gaymie' Clark. A great through ball from Will Herzog found its way to Clark who passed two RSM defenders and decided that he didn't want to pass and instead scored a wonder goal from the tightest of angles, straight into the roof of the RSM net, past the keepers face, and into the far side netting. BOSH. 4-1. (Still should have passed it though).

The time wound down soon after and the fate of the Sharpley was decided once more, she was coming home for the third successive season and boy did we party!!! The Sharpley is now referred to as 'Top' and 'Bottom' though this will soon be rectified I am sure!

Man of the match went to Rory Johnston who put in a great performance on the left wing, and drunk of the day of course went to Will Bugg for his impressive performance at half time in the Rugby!!!

Well done to all who played and especially to those who supported from the sidelines (There is even a rumor that Ben 'Jewlock' Matlock made an appearance at the after party???), what an epic weekend of sport and socialising. Same time next year!!!

Some great photos of the weekend:

Drink it down Roughy!!!

Roughy and Jamie can finally Relax!!!

UNLUCKAY!!!

WINNERS!!! (And some old Friends).

WINNERS!!!

AWWWW YEAH

Will Bugg - 8pm

"Ron Weasley Forgot to bring his wand"

"BOO"

Will Bugg - YOU HERO!!!

The Stannery was shut........

Apologies for equipment epic failure

2011-02-28T09:55:00.002Z

Unfortunately, due to some vital equipment going missing (pointing fingers at one particular half naked RSM prat) the live streaming was not possible, neither in fact was the delayed commentary since the microphone had also gone missing soon after arrival.

I am delighted to announce however, that the film footage is still intact and will be uploaded as soon as possible after a lengthy editing process, via a link to youtube or vimeo. If you missed the Bottle Match 2011, then firstly you need to get your act together, and secondly, at least you can have a chance to catch the highlights.

Cheers again to all who helped. Most importantly, the Sharpley Cup remains in CSM's glorious grasp for yet another year in sucession! It proves once more that God was a miner, and most likely a hockey player.

Jake's look as the centre forward skins him again.....shocking!

2011-02-23T21:14:00.003Z

A Message From The Park Ranger.

2011-02-16T12:27:00.003Z

It has been reported to me that the cougar has been severely wounded in the abdomen. We cannot confirm the fait of the animal but we can be sure that it will be keeping away from the prowl for quite some time. I sill urge you all to be vigilant, and careful, on your nightly excursions into Falmouth, however it gives me great pleasure to say that the decision has been made to reduce the Cougar Threat Level (CTL) from 'DESPERATE' to 'INDIFFERENT'. I hope peoples minds can now be a little more at ease.

Regards,

Park Ranger

OUT.

COUGAR WATCH IN JEOPARDY

2011-02-12T02:11:00.002Z

Rumours have been running rampant for a few weeks now and it's time we learned the truth, the question is...HAS THE COUGAR FINALLY BEEN TAMED?!?! She's taken on rugby players who were after her 'body language triangle', endured conflicting morals when it came to choosing which brother to... and even made us fear for our beloved captain's safety.

The one thing that is still unclear is who exactly has whipped the cougar into remission when these men couldn't...???

And what will Falmouth do with a mountain ranger emergency response team and no cougar to catch???

Only time will tell...

OUT

RICHARD 'DICKFACE' FOY LENDS BODY ART

2010-12-30T13:52:00.003Z

Word has recently been spread that a certain member of the 1st XI has lent his body to art; or more specifically to book bindings throughout the country. Clearly he's front page news as this new book, which no one seems to know what it is about, was spotted in a Waterstones in the Westcountry, sitting on display for everyone to bear witness to! So, will this avid hockey player/cover model return to uni with all his modesty intac.....oh wait...what modesty?! Ok, so, will this avid hockey player/cover model return to uni the same person he left before the winter break and before his new found fame, or will he use his powers for evil and prowl more than the Cougar on a Thursday night in Church?

Time will only tell....

Blog out

Some Sound Advice.

2010-12-19T17:03:00.001Z

BREAKING NEWS!!!!! Sham Wedding in Foreign Township!!!

2010-12-16T20:58:00.001Z

News has just been received that our very own Sneaky Prawn has been witnessed tying the knot in a township just outside Michael Cockerill's Family compound. She intended to spend the wedding night being beaten with her cornish beasts rock hammer, however, having been denied entry to The Cockerill estate; Ms. Fenwick or rather Mrs. Beasley as she is now known, spent the night sleeping rough and dreaming of where the duvet could be!

How long will this Honeymoon period last without arrest? Keep checking for updates.

Blog Out.

Player Profile: James "Sparky" Watts

2010-12-11T02:24:00.010Z

James "Sparky" Watts joined Camborne School of Mines hockey club in September 2007, and has ever since been a (literally) pivotal player. James' nickname came early on out of necessity, with two James's playing in central midfield that season. A combined effort from "Foundation" Dave Lafferty and "Ginger" Phil Hingston drew a natural conclusion, and "Sparky" has been igniting our play ever since.

Without Sparky (God forbid) to hold us together in times of hardship, we probably wouldn't be in the league we are today. This is not to say that our dear Sparky has had an incident-free existence in our club, though!

To elabourate chronologically, Sparky introduced us to his pent-up wild-side when he demonstrated his elegant capoeira skills in a mighty fetching 'Frosty the Snowman' thong on the roof of the minibus post 'welcome drinks' in full view of his visiting sister. Perhaps they'd rehearsed the routine beforehand...? (I'm sure there must be a picture of that somewhere...) And always one for a dance-off, the Remedies dance floor has been blessed with many original 'moves from this man in the past. Indeed, with the help of the CU, Sparky has been a life-saver on many occasions post-Remedies, handing out bottles of water to abusive drunkards, or even cooking them pancakes for free the following morning. Perhaps we could have some more of that??

His keenness for, well, everything (apart from bad language) led to Sparky being a well-respected fitness guru for the team (that's good Roughy) with many of his stretching techniques baring an uncanny resemblance to a certain Australian aerobics program, but who can complain when we're bringing in the good, and throwing out the bad..? Our captain for a year, this man led us through 'the double', winning both Bottle Match (easily, I might add), and the league, giving us the most successful season to date. Perhaps he was making amends for his performance in the Bottle Match the previous year, but I'm sure we don't have to bring that one up again..! A tough, but fruitful, season saw Sparky learn a great deal in attempting to crack down on our unruliness, but perhaps there is something that he'll never learn - how to sub oneself off...

Sparky has pulled out from his bag of tricks on more than one occasion a surprisingly impressive pint-bolt, when he hasn't been out "just for one guys, just for one...". However, he did keep bringing with him smaller and smaller towels for post-match showers. In the days before Gaymie, Sparky found it nigh-on-impossible to shed his 'gay of the day' title, eventually earning himself a pink flannel to cement his position, which he has used gaily every since.

In the days before 'safety', Sparky would censor our Mom, Dod, God, Champ, Qod votes, but on an odd occasion we managed to get him to say something naughty. I even heard him swear once in a team talk... at Roughy, I think...

Sparky's squeaky cleanness has led to this being a difficult profile to write in jest. But one thing's for certain, with God's holy light shining on us whenever we play with this man in our side, he'll be sorely missed when he moves on to greater pastures!

COUGAR WATCH UPDATE

2010-12-10T14:51:00.002Z

Orangutan mauled by Cougar last night....

Park rangers are not optimistic for the Orangutans chances of survivial

Player Profile: Will 'Zog' Herzog

2010-12-09T03:24:00.001Z

William Herzog was the first of three English and Creative Writing students to join the 1^st team and share the same name. However Herzog is the true original and has come to define the casual, air head who can still play a reasonable game of hockey whilst looking like they have spent the Friday night indulging in naughty salt and copious amounts of alcohol, followed by picking your girlfriend up with one arm and tossing her around the room while balancing her on your ‘Hockey Stick’.

Will first appeared at training looking like what can only be described as a twigglett with hair, not much has changed since. He assured everyone that he could play this fine sport and indeed we had been warned of his prowess with long hard sticks and balls. He had competition for imitation accent, in a normal year he would have walked away with the crown however he was pipped to the post by the SAFA. Scouce just isn’t as novel as it once was, especially not when there is also Cornish! Who remembers the immortal words of James Banyard: “I’m gonna smash err Paaasty!”???

Anyway back to William known more commonly by his hard to decipher nicknames ‘Zog’ and ‘Zoggy’. It turned out that Will was what he professed and could dance his twinkle toes through the many backdoors in defences with an heir of Anton Du Beck on strictly come dancing. However unlike Du Beck, Will’s chiselled features are more akin to those of Thomas The Tank Engine than a Shovel.

Naturally a superstar like this was quickly snapped up by a fine young lady from foreign shores, we don’t mean Scotland either! As a result Will, unlike most of the crop of 2008/2009, didn’t develop a taste for hockey girls and instead settled into a full on relationship, which has been quoted as being at times; “As volatile as nitro glycerine!” Still, who threw who down the stairs remains to be answered, but looking at him I would have to suggest Will ‘fell down’ and the Rose did not come following after but rather a bottle rosé instead.

Ever fashion conscious Will is like a walking Topman catalogue. Each week sporting new fashions straight from the mannequin, no new tie though - IN 3 YEARS!!! He was so committed to the CSM hockey cause that he saw no need to pass his first year. He is now delighted to be staying for an extra season to take his crown as CSM Hockey GOD (When the other four of the fantastic five have graduated of course).

It has been suggested that Will has been taking a slightly disturbing interest in the Gaymie bashing craze that has struck CSM hockey in recent times. This could, as the illustration above suggests, reveal Zog’s true calling as a transvestite party boy with a face for Babestation. Still his obvious devotion to his teammates is a quality that we have to admire and respect.

In recent times Will has become a bachelor once more and has developed a certain penchant for foundation students, indeed he sees the need to bring a new one to the meet at Argos every week. Does he enjoy the attention? On recent figures a new chisel for his bedpost might be a worthy Christmas investment for young Willy. Still how much longer can he get away with it for? So in the words of the Fonze “EHEE!!!”

Herzog is also the team’s professional alcohol specialist being the only one with a job at the Stannery, though nowadays also being the only one who frequents it. He has watered us on many occasions, but I think he must have failed his maths GCSE owing to his idea of standard measures. Still I can’t complain. I feel that no real sober and honest thanks has ever been offered for these efforts so this is it – Fwank Woo Wiwiam.

Zog has become a much loved and treasured member of the squad who is sometimes wrongly understated, he can however be sure that we will all miss him when we fuck off to the real world and leave him with new foundation students to prey on.

OUT.

P.S.

Oh yeah he almost got away with this: William FAILED miserably to make it out at the London Bottle Match and was last witnessed by Tegan herself passed out in his room. Still he and a certain James Rough were more than happy to Teabag a certain Gunn Ho member of the girls team when the party returned later that evening. The photo is still missing…

REALLY OUT.

Player Profile - Richard 'Dickface' Foy

2010-12-09T00:58:00.005Z

Richard Foy appeared to creep rather silently into the club’s 1^st XI as a quiet lad who looked like he had joined accidentally and decided to make the best of the situation. Luckily for us he settled with hockey and blossomed a little more with every game he played. Despite getting into a terrible half season long habit of passing directly to the oppositions centre forwards, regularly winning himself the fitting ‘dick(y) of the day’ award, he persevered and gradually became the top defender he can claim to be today.

It didn’t take long for Richard to become one of CSM’s favourite team mates on and off the pitch; his bright attitude and sharp wit earning himself a place in everyone’s hearts. Richard’s attitude to life can be summed up almost perfectly in one special picture which depicts him swan diving in the nude in front of hundreds of people – a jovial character with seemingly no sense of humility Richard truly is a valuable asset to the CSM hockey club.

Richard’s passion for hockey is currently matched only by his obsession for himself - he is often seen sweating it out in the gym sculpting his beach ready body in the mirror and is fully prepared to take pictures of himself at any time. Come shower time when Richard ‘The Body’ Foy undresses one is often able to find Jamie Clark salivating in the corner, doing all he can with his towel to cover his lust. However, despite the male attention, Richard has also grown accustomed to interest from the girls of Falmouth and is often seen returning home with a scantily clad lovely in his arms. Often these girls become casual flings, of course, that is, until Richard’s ego destroys it and he gets bored (HB). After he ups and leaves to find another fresh piece of meat, leaving his previous conquest in tatters and in one particular case with a strong dislike for hockey boys, Richard can often be found prowling the dance floors of Remedies and Club I looking like he belongs in an episode of Jersey Shore.

On his travels through the Land of Poon Richard crossed paths with many a beast but none matched up to the sexual prowess of The Cougar. Unabashed by this encounter Richard decided to try taming The Cougar by having yet another fling – needless to say the claw marks never went unnoticed in the hockey changing rooms. Eventually this fling appeared to fizzle out so it can only be assumed that the man mountain had failed in his taming attempt – and so he moved onwards to safer ground and can now be found with a luscious blonde fresher who will no doubt be willing to take countless topless photographs of him.

Despite his vanity and lust for himself Richard has always been a loyal, team player for CSM. Although if he had it his way the whole team would be comprised of his clones, probably topless, we can all be thankful that there is at least one Richard Foy to hold the defensive line.

Player Profile: Michael 'SAFA' Cockeril

2010-12-08T22:58:00.004Z

CSM, being the celebrated worldwide school they are, have become accustomed to international students, so naturally when a quiet South African touched down in Falmouth there was very little batting of eyelids. Little did we know, however, that this was one addition to the hockey team that would signal the rise of the squad through the leagues...

After a blistering first season we witnessed this skilful miner walking through whole defences with what can only be described as a nonchalant manner only to put away goal after goal, relentlessly hitting the backboard with alarming regularity. At the end of his first season the title of Captain was handed over by James Watts who had been reported to whisper in his ear “A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun. One day, Simba, the sun will set on my time here, and will rise with you as the new king”. Upon which the newly christened Simba went on to lead the team through its most successful season yet – and almost gaining promotion again as a result.

Not only has Michael been a whirlwind of success on the hockey pitch, scoring countless numbers of goals and always striving to gain a win for the team, but has also been causing quite a bluster on the Falmouth social scene. Always popular with the ladies due to his husky South African tones and tall figure he has leapt cat like from prey to prey, unceremoniously having his way with whatever he can sink his claws into. Following Michael is a permanent shroud of scandal, full with ecstatic girls who seem to moisten just being in his presence – perhaps it is his uncanny ability to never miss(until recently) that causes all the excitement. This reputation was enjoyed for quite some time until disaster struck when Michael left one unlucky girl literally hanging. The golden boy had fallen – although, when asked, the girl claimed he had never risen. Red faced and blue balled Michael turned up to the weekends hockey match and memorably, some would say ironically, winning dick of the day for his lacklustre bedroom performance.

Determined to win back the title of Falmouth’s most eligible bachelor Michael embarked on a personal pussy crusade. Gritting his teeth and pushing forward, it wasn’t long before he found himself in the clutches of one Lauren Saggers but more interestingly and distressingly also Thomas Drake. Had his previous disaster had such a detrimental effect on poor Michael that he was willing to share girls? It seems so as earlier this season Michael wrestled a beautiful maiden by the name of Sophie from none other than fellow team mate Richard Foy. I wouldn’t consider myself at liberty to comment on this underhand act but I will speculate that it must stem from the insecurity Michael is sure to be feeling from his failed mating act with the previously mentioned girl.

Despite all of his ups and one most memorable down Michael has overall been nothing other than a perfect ambassador for South Africans. A true gentleman and delight to play with on the pitch he is one cat we will be sorry to release back into the wild.

Player Profile - William Spain

2010-12-08T22:31:00.002Z

The Spanish Armada set sail for CSM Hockey early in his first year after presenting himself in a delightful South Tracksuit and with rumors of representing his country, much to the approval of current players

On debut, Spain did not fail to disappoint, dazzling players with both skill and speed. But it was off the pitch that he truly impressed ,namely the showers, here he revealed to us all he was a big deal. This was greatly approved by Gaymie, who finally spied a big white fillet of cod worth battering.

Spain was a tremendous player both on and of the pitch, but sadly unable to adhere to the rule of 'don't shit where you eat'.... school boy error, meant he had some rather intimate experiences with his flat mates, oh well at least the walk of shame was short. Targeted early on, his lack of knowledge of rules such as 'Tell her' led him into the firing line Tegan.. all it took was one swift comment about her 'Tuna Canoe' and he was in there, sealing the deal on Halloween.

His grasp of time is one that has troubled many a captain! His penchant for alcohol and other mind altering substances, along with his inability to stay in, often lead to regular games of 'Wheres Willy' on a Saturday morning. A game enjoyed by all. Amazingly however this never seems to affect his performance on the pitch. One can dream of what a sober Will Spain must be like at hockey.

But it wasn't long before he found love, he didn't have to look far as she too was a hockey player. Their relationship has blossomed and the two of them are rarely found apart, despite Samantha Page's influence his time keeping is yet to improve. Might I suggest a watch or a mahoosive alarm clock as a suitable Christmas present!

None the less, a player loved by all, whose charm and character have been welcomed by the hockey team who hope he continues to be the source of much amusement.

Player Profile: Fraser 'The Dog' McQueen

2010-12-08T22:20:00.001Z

Fraser McQueen joined CSM hockey with limited experience of the game of hockey, but he did have more enthusiasm than Tegan when she saw the new crop of 1^st team meat. Indeed his early exploits tended to employ the rules one might find on a rugby pitch as opposed to a hockey pitch. Nevertheless Fraser has developed his skills into becoming the fiercest, and maybe stupidest, tackler in the clubs history. He has been hit in the head or knee more times than Michael Cockerill has flown First Class.

When Fraser arrived he brought with him a lovely young lady with whom we all had affection and while the demise of this relationship has been well documented I see no need to pile anything on here. Recent performances have more than balanced the status quo so to speak, with a list of conquests that would make us all ‘CHUNDER EVERYWHERE’ – Wait a second............

Fraser did develop the rather bad habit of leaving nights out early, which earned him the nickname ‘Pre-Queen McQueen’, something which he denies but we can all vouch for and one that has stuck since! He was indeed one of the smartest in his first year on that course he does digging stuff up. However we see this as no excuse not to attend Church on a Thursday. Thankfully recent attendance has been up on previous years and we hope that the recession of Frasers working hours continues as his company is always welcomed and greatly enjoyed. Indeed since becoming single I would have to say that he has made a sensational effort to catch up on other 1^st team members’ second hand pune. Good job Fraser just remember to go get checked!

Never the one to be shy Fraser has several rather grotesque habits, including; displaying his ‘Black Booty’ when in the showers after games, along with talking about how his likes to make girls happy by licking their arse holes. Still, if it was the tidiest genitalia you have ever seen….

Fraser has recently begun wearing a turbanesque bandana during matches; I speculate that this may be something to show the close bond between defender and Goalkeeper? His comical appearance will be little consolation however when you are looking at it from the small of your back when he has found you wanting.

Ever the team player, I find it hard to remember a match without Fraser’s presence. He has evolved from trainee to master of the CSM defence, indeed I think that even Flacid Mike comes second to the amount of nights Fraser has earned the right to drink Meg’s sweet nectar.

Fraser took the role of club president this season, not that he has mentioned it to a soul. Quite what this positions means I (and he) are still trying to work out as Tom Drake and Ant Bennett never seemed to do much but moan all day. Silence seems golden.

Girls, if you discover this Dog on your travels, approach with care and be prepared to get destroyed! P.S. Remember to maintain your lady garden.

Fraser will be an irreplaceable member of the club and I just want to thank him for his services to hockey and to BANTER!!!

Player Profile - Jamie Clark

2010-12-08T19:39:00.007Z

Whether it was the idea of running freely among 21 other men and being able to get physical without fear of rebuke that enticed Jamie to hockey or that perhaps he has a genuine lust for a good match of stickball is a grey area. It is possible that Jamie saw the potential for transferable skills from the pitch to bedroom, certainly we could read into the regular calls of "two on one's", "get it on target" and many others. Most likely is the idea of team showers after every game that really butters his muffin but for whatever reason it may be we are certainly blessed that he steps out weekly in the CSM colours by our sides.

Harking back to when I first met Jamie I always knew he would be a valuable addition to the team – his obvious eagerness for hockey was one to rival his penchant for same sex relationships – thus etching out his steadfast place in the squad from the word go. In my own humble opinion I might regard Jamie as being a bedrock of the team, a firm foundation that we can all rely on weekly to turn up to training and matches come rain or shine. That was until, of course, he caught aids. A massive blow to his career which meant Jamie was out of action, much to the consternation of the hockey squad and also his short term navy boyfriend, George. The squad really felt the squeeze as we had to fill the gap left in midfield by his absence – but our dismay was nothing compared to the effect this had on Jamie’s and George’s blossoming relationship. Left single and weak Jamie had to re-cooperate back in Oxford where he was marinated with enough apparel from the Jack Wills’ catalogue to clothe a small school of children until he decided that you probably couldn’t catch aids from the poles in Mango Tango’s and made his triumphant return to CSM hockey. Since doing so Jamie has been on top form week in week out – a much celebrated member of the CSM hockey squad and all round good sport.

If you are yet to have the pleasure of meeting this young man you need only to frequent Mango Tango's whereupon you will see Jamie, or 'Gaymie' as he prefers to be known in there, throwing some wild shapes at the bar in his infamous assless chaps. It is only a fair warning to girls to let you know that although Jamie occasionally becomes involved with females he never gets any pleasure from the sex. Don't let him flip you over.

In short it would be fair to say Jamie’s hockey career for CSM can be mapped in much the same way as his university sexual encounters; full of men and always scoring.

This is How The 1st Team do Stick Ball.

2010-12-06T17:18:00.001Z

From the Archives.

Bring back any memories anyone?

2010-12-05T19:02:00.003Z

2010-12-05T13:01:00.005Z

Our favourite, party hosting, vagabond miner, as seen in the picture above, is demonstrating the latest technologies developed to remove ones self from 'the cave'. This cave's core is situated in Paris, but networks globally. Lured in by the magic of Carling, and the promise of no strings attached, we see this brave miner putting his will to the test by hoisting himself up out of this treacherous cavern, being careful to avoid any creatures of the dark trying to drag him back down. This photo was taken at 2.03am on the 5/12/10 by the Genie who owns the cave, we are unsure of progress made since however. We can only hope and pray. God be with you, thou art a true explorer.

2010-12-03T20:52:00.002Z

just when we thought Emperor Giggle was finished he reared his ugly head!

2010-12-03T18:48:00.004Z

The wonderful adventures of Emperor giggle! Bottle of white wine + 10 tequilas + an intolerant social sec=this magical piece of film. Enjoy! x

Mascot for the 2XI?

2010-11-29T22:17:00.002Z

Falmouth President following Clinton's example!!!

2010-11-28T23:39:00.002Z

So it appears that the lucky number 7 spot was claimed not by a 1st team player but rather an occasional 3rd teamer and regular CSM footballer. Is seems as though Miss Saggers has finally quenched her thirst for hockey boys, for now at least, and has moved on to the lesser species of sportsman. Now we all know Andrew Thomas Edmonds, Falmouth President, and self confessed party boy, but, we may not have expected him to follow so hotly in his idol Bill's footsteps!!!

On Friday eve and Saturday morn of this week past, President Edmonds succeeded in throwning his west country package into the 'vast expanse' referred to in previous posts. Word has it that he enjoyed himself greatly and is ready to fight any impeachment attempt that may arise from his promiscuous escapade!

A footnote to the above is the question of whether a young Scotsman will attempt an assassination in the coming days in retaliation for the violation of his fine Lady Macbeth to be. Only time will tell.....

Godspeed Mr President, play safe, and Don't forget to pop into the FXU office on the way to work to pick up a little pee pot!

Out.

Tom Drake Is on a Register!

2010-11-28T23:31:00.000Z

Which one? Guess...

Its a sad day in Falmouth for CSM Hockey

2010-11-26T16:59:00.002Z

It is with regret that I have to inform the readership of the tragic news that James Rough was last night captured by the Cougar! While details are scarce and his current condition unknown we can be certain that the Cougar inflicted severe damage and Mr. Rough is in a serious condition from which he may not recover.

We would like to take this time to issue a public service notice to the effect that under NO circumstances should the Cougar be approached. It is very dangerous and still believed to be on the prowl for more fresh meat. A Mountain Ranger Emergency Response Team is en route to Falmouth to guard the town this saturday night and possibly for the foreseeable future.

The games this weekend will begin after a 2 minute silence has been observed in memory of what was once a highly respected and loved member of the CSM Hockey Club.

R.I.P.

2010-11-24T15:00:00.002Z

'Jamie Clark', a company founded in Oxford offers expert service for children suffering the hardships of same sex marriages. Labelled by society as 'test tube' children many of these experiments come to Jamie to chat through his experience of being a lonely Gay in a world where it is still frowned upon. Apart from expert advice, and free massage treatment, Clark's hands out leaflets entitled "Dick + Bum=a tight family experience". Figure show that since the circulation of these leaflets Clark's , or the D&B campaign (drawing on the popularity of Dolce & Gabana in Gay 'circles'), have had a 69% rise in business. Congratulations must go to founder Jamie for using his gay experience to help others cope.

Correction Correction.

2010-11-23T22:48:00.001Z

A 'Vast Expanse' has been substituted for 'Loch'.

Correction

2010-11-23T21:47:00.001Z

The lucky lady does not have a loch...

Who will be lucky number 7?

2010-11-23T21:03:00.003Z

I'm sure were all aware of the anniversary of Paris for one lucky lady......

Well it would appear that this lucky lady has re-awakened her sweet tooth for the 1st team's sweet sweet sugar.... The recently single Fraser McQueen with the sexual appetite of a Bonobo monkey was the latest notch on the bedpost. The two hit it off almost immediately and the passion flowed. The two shared intimate times together in a room with the lights out before a hockey social where nothing happened.... Well even if that is the case then something certainly happened afterwards!

There were ups and downs... ins and outs, but realising that neither could quench each others sexual thirst they have decided not to go further... This leaves the slot open for certain Scotsman to seize the moment and toss his caber into her loch....

Bad Form

2010-11-23T20:42:00.002Z

So I know that many of the 1XI are well aware of the incest within the side (and club!) and especially of late! However those in the ladies and other mens squads may not be aware of the treachery at play in the dizzy heights of South Div 2.

It appears that the tactics of the Cougar have been observed and adopted by our very own African Lion. Young Richard Foy is an island soul and not used to the dangers of the open plain. He had secured for himself a companion of several weeks and indeed was still found to awake at her lair on a monday morning just 3 weeks ago. However, the cunning Safa had been watching and waiting and on the thursday of said week he made his move with Young Richard absent from Club I. Safa conquered Foys companion and has kept her for himself, it so seems that the African is very taken with his companions Butt and is indeed expecting her appearance on the wild plains of the African bush over the holiday period. Has this beast been tamed? Or will he perhaps chase the new companion, of Young Richard Foy? Who knows? Only time will tell.....

A Nail In The Coffin?

2010-11-23T20:41:00.002Z

Evidence is really stacking up...

2010-11-23T20:09:00.002Z

Will Herzog - Secret Bender???

2010-11-22T23:05:00.002Z

Now we all know that Zog likes to dish out the gay abuse towards Gaymie but perhaps this is just a double-bluff!!! Recently unearthed are Will's true colours (Both literal and Metaphorical). William Herzog - BUM RAIDER EXTRAORDINAIRE!!!

Welcome drinks

2010-11-14T14:33:00.000Z

COUGAR WATCH UPDATE

2010-11-14T14:27:00.002Z

Club I users be aware!

It would appear the crafty cougar is now using sly tactics such as requesting harmless kisses on the cheek and preying on the unsuspecting victim by sinking in her claws and going in for the kill. This failing she then grabs the prey in hers claws and refuses to release them.

The following behaviour was witnessed on Thursday fortunately the park rangers were able to separate the cougar form her catch and nobody was hurt.... this time!!

George R's portfolio encompasses a wide spectrum of sketches

2010-11-09T11:46:00.002Z

Turns out Gaymie Might not be the gayest after all....

2010-10-26T23:54:00.002+01:00

Will Herzog and a few Chums......

Match Votes for the 1XI So Far:

2010-10-20T15:33:00.002+01:00

2/10/2010: Penzance Away (Lost 4-8)

Scorers: Clark, Cockerill, Spain, Herzog

MOM: Fraser 'Slim Shadie/Pedophile' McQueen

DOD: Will 'spAiNAL' Spain

GOD: Jamie 'Gaymie' Clark

CM: Ben '10/Lambrini' Acton for stepping up to the plate in Goal!

9/10/2010: Plymouth Uni A Home (Won 5-1)

Scorers: Clark, Cockerill, Spain, Herzog, 5th forgotten

MOM: Amar 'My Nickname is Shite' Marwaha

DOD: Will 'spAiNAL' Spain - Lean to Shoot

GOD: Jamie 'Gaymie' Clark

CM: Will 'spAiNAL' Spain - For the one that actually went in!!

Green Cards for Jamie Clark and Elliot Hathaway.

16/10/2010: Tavistock Away (Lost 3-4)

Scorers: Cockerill 2, Spain

MOM: Fraser 'Slim Shadie/Pedophile' McQueen

DOD: Will 'spAiNAL' Spain - Again for shooting like a cock!

GOD: Jamie 'Gaymie' Clark

CM: Will 'spAiNAL' Spain - And again for one that went it! Shame about the 20 other chances eh???

Quote: "My Gooch really hurts!" - Will Herzog

Yellow Card for Richard Foy and claimed by Fraser McQueen - Both are getting a pint!

17/10/2010: Exeter Uni E Home (Lost 2-4)

Scorers: Herzog, Spain

MOM: Will 'Zog' Herzog

DOD: Will 'spAiNAL' Spain - A hat trick of the wrong kind Will!!!

GOD: Jamie 'Gaymie' Clark

Quote:

"She had the tidyest and best maintained genitalia I think I have ever seen" - Fraser McQueen

"Shandy's Are quite refreshing." - Jamie Clark

Green Card for Ben Acton.

2010-09-24T18:18:00.001+01:00

2010-08-31T17:15:00.003+01:00

I'm not sure why this hasn't been shown here yet, but here is a link to a video that Jamie made as a supposed 'project' after a Club I night featuring all those we know and love!!

Enjoy!

http://www.jamieclark.co.uk/index.php?/video/binge/

Matlocks Year In Pictures.

2010-08-06T22:12:00.005+01:00

Matlock's Year in Pictures. We will miss you. Maybe....

Did I hear TOP GUN???

2010-08-06T22:09:00.002+01:00

Remember that fatefull night where they sealed their Bond with the pyramid of love. Here's to celebrating in style - Jackets and tie and all! ... Well sort of..

It seems 5* has sunk to new lows.

2010-08-06T22:08:00.002+01:00

BLIND PEOPLE BEWARE!!!!!!

Taking a Breather??? CHUNDAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-08-06T22:06:00.001+01:00

TRANSATLANTIC ROMANCE

2010-07-21T00:48:00.003+01:00

Having devoured all but the weakest and ferrel prey on offer in the Falmouth area it has been reported that the Cougar has been sighted swimming across the atlantic in search on new prey. She was sighted biting the face off a Canadian Moose on the floor of a pungent local establishment on monday evening. It seems however that the moose had other ideas about succumbing to the attack of the Cougar and retaliated by grabbing the cougar's throat and hair, leaving it wounded and unnerved. Is this a time of transition in the pride for this feline terror. Has the hunter become the hunted? This has yet to become clear. It was reported that a local Rhino stepped into defuse the situation and gave the moose a good warning by marking its territory with a sizable amount of verbal discharge.

Keep tuned for more updates and developments.

Cougar Watch OUT!!!

Cougar Caught on Camera!!

2010-07-18T17:04:00.003+01:00

Cougar has been spotted on camera at 4.30am stumbling around in the Cutty Sark. Last footage of the cougar was at 5.15am when she finally stumbled out the door shoeless, keyless and phoneless. 12 hours later the cougar stumbled back in the cutty after having climbed on to the roof of her house and broken in through the window. So double lock those windows cause when she's on a mission she'll do anything..... you just got to hope your not her mission.

Tiny Tim or Tegan???

2010-07-16T00:07:00.001+01:00

Spain not so big after all!!!!

2010-07-16T00:02:00.000+01:00

Jewlock You Sexual Deviant!!! Love it...

2010-07-15T23:38:00.001+01:00

2010-07-09T14:31:00.006+01:00

09/07/2010

With the cougar in her lair by herself she has resorted to using modern human techniques, notably a strange invention known as the 'book of faces' where she urges readers to come round for 'social gatherings'.

Quote:

"Has the house in Fally to herself all summer, so if anyone fancies visiting, it'd be gert lush!!!"

Onlookers, unaware of slang such as 'gert lush' must be warned, above is proof of what the cougar is capable of. It's a shame Tegan didn't get the chance to tame this dangerous cougar! So children of falmouth, lock your doors, bolt your windows and cross your crucifixes.

Cougar Watch: The Mood Is Tense

2010-06-08T11:55:00.007+01:00

Cougar watch, 15/06/10: After much activity the Cougar has returned to being an elusive feline. So, no reported sightings so far this week. There's plenty of the week left though...

Cougar watch, 11/06/10: Cougar seen stalking out of 'Club-I' on a lone prowl last night. Keep watching this space for the latest Cougar information...

Cougar watch, 13/06/10: Cougar seen tackling a hot rugby player with red and black striped fur. The belief is that she took him to her layer for the kill. Keep watching this space for the latest Cougar information...

Cougar watch, 13/06/10: !!NEWS FLASH!! He loves her feline: "body language triangle"

Spot the differences:

2010-06-07T17:49:00.002+01:00

For too long have we questioned how Jimbo Williams has had this freakish ability to pick up any sport and be, in Cornish standards (which on the international arena would be equivalent to a tramp reviewing port), rather good. Not only can Jimbo "i look like Hatton after 3 rounds in the ring" Williams play football, he puts Jack Snell's hockey 'skills' to shame and has even be rumoured to be a dab hand at curling...possibly the gayest sport known to man! But alas, the man we have known as your friendly neighbour hood slut is a fake....Jimbo "i have so many notches on my bed im now just left with a mattress" Williams is in fact the world famous Boxer Ricky Hatton. For anyone requiring proof, simply watch the replays from last nights Charity football game, watch how he moves.

Thomas Patrick Child Weiner

2010-06-06T17:53:00.002+01:00

weiner: a word that adds to the collection of penis, dick, aby-maker, bell on a pole, bishop, bratwurst ,cock ,custard launcher, dick, dickie ,ding dong mcdork,dong ,donger ,dork ,dragon ,fang, ferret ,fire, hose ,heat-seeking moisture missile, hose, Jimmy, John ,John Thomas (dated) ,joystick, knob ,leaky hose, lingam ,little Bob, little Elvis, longfellow ,love muscle ,manhood, meat popsicle, member, middle stump mushroom head, mutton, old boy, old fellow, old man ,one-eyed snake, one-eyed trouser-snake(Australia, UK) one-eyed monster, pecker, peepee (children's term) Percy, peter, piss,weasle ,prick ,private part ,purple-helmeted warrior of love, purple-headed yogurtflinger, rodroundhead ,sausage, schlong, schmuck, shmuck (Yiddish) schwanz, schwarz, short armskin flute tasslethird leg ,thumper, todger (Australia, UK) ,tonk ,tool ,trouser ,snake ,tubesteak ,wang ,wang dudle ,wick ,willy (children's term) ,yingyang ,yogurt gun

Talitha 'The Cougar' Slaughter-Hudson

2010-06-06T10:24:00.009+01:00

Seeing as the girls have been getting off so lightly this year here is a kick to the old baby maker!

Quote George "I loved waking up in the same house as Andy Brimson today"

P.S. didn't I see Dicky walking back from hers the other day.... WAAPPP!!

CSM

2010-06-02T14:08:00.004+01:00

Anyone who says that they don't love Camborne School of Mines is either lying, not telling the truth, or fucking ugly

Steven 'McLovin' Nemeth's response to helping out the club!

2010-05-27T20:21:00.006+01:00

McLovin' running for Jew of the Season next year already with his pretentious response to being asked to help out the club in a moment of need

Steven Nemeth:"

If this is Sun 6th June, should not be a huge problem if needs must. With regret I would not be willing to upfront capital to such ends for sake of other committments, however if the logistics are sorted and all I need do is learn I will go for it with impending details."

Cheers!

Jamie Clark's view on marriage

2010-05-26T11:45:00.002+01:00

Weiner: "Mate, fuck getting married at the age of 21! imagine only shagging one girl for the rest of your life...especially a munter like that"

Jamie: "fuck that....getting married means nothing! who said you only have to sleep with one person!!"

BANTER!

UNLUCKAY!!!

2010-05-12T13:22:00.002+01:00

OLLIE TAYLOR ABOUT BOOTING TEGAN LODDE IN THE FACE AT THE INAUGURAL MENS 3XI HOCKEY MATCH. JUST PURE QUALITY - GOOD LAD!!!

Spin Me Right Round Baby Like Record Baby Right Round?

2010-05-12T13:20:00.002+01:00

Shameful behavior by Mr Mike Cockerill. Where is your finger eh???

Centre Parting anybody???

2010-05-10T13:20:00.002+01:00

We've all heard about it, but very few have actually seen it! So here is the Paddy's Day conquest of Jewlock and Dawkatron. I strongly advise that you avert your eyes....

The Truth about Will Spain.

2010-05-09T17:21:00.002+01:00

He has enjoyed a year of notable admiration for a certain appendage. I feel that now is the time to reveal the truth!!!

Is this Andy Goodall in 20 years time???

2010-05-08T14:22:00.002+01:00

What Tailings Forgot to Mention.

2010-05-08T14:16:00.002+01:00

Check back every day this week for new images and stories!!!

We'll start with two posts to wet your appetite. So for those of you who missed their brief facebook appearance, here is the complete collection of what dickie has no memory of!!!

Bob of the Year - a History Lesson

2010-05-06T20:25:00.002+01:00

CSM History Lesson

Before I disgracefully 'retire' from the professional ranks of the CSM hockey club I would like to leave you with a little history lesson...

There is a little award that has gone out to a member of the club every year for the past 3 called 'Bob of the Year'.

This award is in memory of the 'best' club secretary we have ever had and is given to the individual deemed to have spent the most of their own money getting other members of the team into trouble (smashed!). The history of this award is important because it highlights everything that can go wrong in a hockey club.

The secretary in question is one Alex Greenaway. Alex was a mining student and a prolific centre forward with a record of 50 goals in 50 games (though he was not a runner...). Bob wore a leather jacket, always carried a wad of notes and often would buy you a beer.

The tale begins with a first year summer placement. Alex managed to secure a promise of £300 of sponsorship for the hockey club from his employee, intended for a new set of playing shirts. On his return to campus he informed Hanna Royle of this sponsorship and she dutifully ordered a brand new set of playing shirts in good faith (the terrible to play in blue and white quads if anyone remembers).

The next thing of note in this lesson is the annual meeting at the end of that season. At that time votes were given by ballot and counted in 'secret' at the table and announced when candidates were brought back in. Alex 'Bob' Greenaway was running for vice-captain. His house-mate and friend, Richard Walker was running for captaincy. In the end Truro won the captaincy and I won the Vice. In the voting there was one vote for Alex as vice and one vote for Richard as captain. This information should not of come out but, as their other house-mate, the then accountant, Doof, was the counter of the votes this information slipped out. If it hadn't perhaps things would have been different.

Two days after the annual general meeting these emails were received by the club,

Dear All,

I wish to inform you all of my intention to tender my resignation from CSM

Men's Hockey Club at the end of this current season (2006/2007). I will

perform my remaining duties at CSMMHC as Vice-Captain with the utmost

professionalism and integrity, these been the attendance of the forthcoming

Colours meeting and the speech I am required to give, in Billy's absence, at

Colours night.

This has not been an easy decision to reach, however it is one I feel I must

make. I have felt disillusioned with CSM Hockey in the recent months and

feel that there is a lack of "Hockey Values" within the club. To my mind

there seems to be greater concern with the social side of the club, which I

will not deny is important, however I do not feel we should compromise our

primary objective, to play, and win, hockey matches, over this.

I have given 3 good years to the club, acting as Vice-Captain for 2 and

regularly running training sessions alongside Alex. I have not felt

respected in this capacity and believe it is better for all concerned that I

leave at this time instead of continuing to perform functions such as this

with out the appreciation and gratitude of all involved and my continual

disillusionment. The functions performed by the committee, and those who

support them, are unpaid and often unthanked.

Were it not for my position as a PhD candidate my time with CSM as an

institution would be ending in June upon my graduation. I regret that my

time with the club is ending here but as stated above I feel it necessary.

I am optimistic of continuing my Bottle match connections both in support of

CSM and hopefully as a member of the golf team however I cannot be persuaded

to continue with CSMMHC beyond the appointments I am already committed to.

I wish to state that this is not a response to the proceedings occurring

tonight but cannot deny that in some part they did contribute.

I would like wish the future committee the best of luck and thank all those

I've played alongside for the good times.

Yours regretfully,

Richard Walker.

Dear All,

I hereby tender my resignation as a member of Camborne School of Mines Men’s Hockey Club Committee and also as a CSMMHC player, effective of the 13t May 2007. I will carry out my all of my duties up to that date will the utmost professionalism and decorum

I have become unhappy with the club over the past season as my continual efforts to train, organise and help run CSMMHC went unappreciated.

I felt hurt and dejected by tonight’s proceedings and I took receiving no votes for the captain/vice-captain role as a complete insult. I have given my all to the club over the three seasons I have played and have also spent a large amount of my private time this year running training and trying to remedy the poor standing of CSMMHC within Cornwall Hockey, and the Gerrard League. CSMMHC secretary is not an easy position and due to the constraints of University term times and Varsity matches, it is often necessary to rearrange a large number of matches, much to the chagrin of opposition teams and the Gerrard League.

On Thursday 26th April, I attended a Cornwall Hockey AGM, which I took up the position of CHA Secretary, I took this position, solely, so CSMMHC could continue playing hockey in a league. I didn’t do it for self gratification, but for the continual support of hockey within Cornwall, and for CSM in particular. Without the support of the CHA, who would have folded without a replacement secretary being appointed, the support system for hockey within Cornwall would has ceased to exist.

So with a heavy heart I will leave CSMMHC, without a certain accolade, upon the commencement of the new committee after Colours Night. I will continue to play hockey in Cornwall and I will not feel any regret, remorse or guilt if I face CSM on the pitch.

I also think it is an absolute travesty that Rich Walker was passed over once more for Captain. He has supported the officials, and the club, above and beyond the call of duty, within the past two seasons. This evening confirmed for me the naivety of the majority of the team, and has reiterated that everyone is oblivious to what truly goes on within a hockey club and what needs to be done week in, week out, just to get players, and umpires, on a pitch.

Alex

When me and Anthony took over the running of the club, I was also accountant, one of the first things we aimed to do was update the keeper kit and get more balls... When we met with Hanna she was quick to point out that we weren't getting anything until we paid the outstanding bills of the club (amounting to nearly £400) for new shirts bibs etc. Despite constant appeals to Bob for information on the whereabouts of the money he was not forthcoming and me and Truro ended up spending most of the year repaying the debt and regaining Hanna's trust so she could buy shiny new stuff : )

The positive among us said that Bob and Rich can't of known anything about it or perhaps Bob didn't get paid that money and therefore was left short and had no option. The cynics say that he is an untrustworthy slime-ball and pocketed it.

So the 'Bob of the Year' award is for the player that is most unlike Bob, selflessly spending their own money to make sure everyone has a good time, rather than spending the clubs money on making themselves look good. So, that is your history lesson, please cast your vote for 'Bob of the Year – 2009/2010' at this years colours evening!

Matlock.

Sukey's walk of shame from 28 Beacon Road!

2010-04-28T12:17:00.005+01:00

2010-04-28T12:17:00.001+01:00

2010-04-28T12:00:00.006+01:00

2010-03-30T23:24:00.002+01:00

Quotes: Preview:

"Tegan's Tuna Canoe " - Will Spain

"Tegan your a bit of a narcissist aren't you?" - Unknown

"Yeah, well I'm only gonna look this amazing once in my life!" - Tegan

"Mike is a dad" - Just quality.

"You smell like my dad" - Tally to Jono

"Don't worry about me guys, Ive got a place to stay tonight." (Will Spain's Flat) - Guess Who!

A possible centre for the web:

Ollie Taylor

Jimbo Williams

Calum McDougall

Will Spain

Seb McClay

Iyanu 'Nobody knows or quite frankly cares" Insertsomethingfunnyhere

Simon Boult

Tom Weiner

All got with Bikini Slut Girl,

And of course Jack Snell got head off her, on a park bench - LAD!!!

And finally to wet your tailings appetite POW, RIGHT IN THE KISSER... ???

2010-03-30T23:20:00.002+01:00

RICHARD FOY'S YEAR IN PICTURES..... PREVIEW.

Weird Rule of the Day

2010-03-27T11:24:00.003Z

Today, the 27th of March 2010 CSM take on the mighty Beasts of Bodmin in the Cornwall Plate Final.

Should this game end in a Draw after full time, the winner will be decided on which team was awarded the most penalty corners.

Thus Rod Wall is top goal scorer

2010-03-23T18:25:00.000Z

Snelly's Statistics Wiped in Computer Crisis

2010-03-20T18:23:00.005Z

In an unfortunate sequence of events it appears that club statistics, namely goal scorers and appearances, have been wiped from secretary Jack Snell's computer.

The serious and grave nature of this incident does not require any investigation. However, earlier this afternoon Snell commented,

"In such circumstances little can be done but to award all eighty four first team league goals to Jimbo Davison."

In relation to the 2nd XI, Snell quickly and easily calculated that Jono Harris, James Dawkins and Immy Haverson were not top scorers.

"Evidently, when one takes the number of 2nd XI goals scored less the number conceded plus the number of attacks impuned by James Banyard, Rod Wall appears to be top goal scorer. Mainly from Short Corners."

This evening, all that Camborne School of Mines Hockey Club had to cling on to was the realisation that Jack Snell did not owe CCkerill any money at all. More importantly, Accidental Dave, who is responsible for this final palava owes a dirty pint for dick of the season.

Over and Out

Annual General Meeting 2010

2010-03-20T18:17:00.003Z

Season 2010-2011

President: Fraser McQueen

1st XI Captain: James Rough

1st XI Vice-Captain: Jamie Clark

2nd XI Captain: Seb McClay

2nd XI Vice-Captain: Jono Harris

3rd XI Captain: Tom Weiner

3rd XI Vice-Captain: George Richardson

Treasurer: Jamie Clark

Match Secretary and Liason Officer: Richard Foy

Social Secretary: Rory Johnston

Social Officer: George Richardson

Congratulations to All!

Many Thanks to the 2009-2010 Committee Members

Sloth C**k

2010-03-20T15:21:00.002Z

Dawkasauros

2010-03-20T15:16:00.001Z

The 2nd XI Scrap Book

2010-03-20T15:06:00.001Z

Quote of the Day

2010-03-19T10:05:00.002Z

"I'd rather have slept with Jake"

Quote of the Day

2010-03-19T10:02:00.003Z

Matlock left a very important note on my phone last night. a to do list if u will. it reads, word for word, exact punctuation:

"Oh my days feel a bit awkward as ive locked you out your room for an ugly chick I'm trying to wake her up for morning sex just for a laugh but no success yet.

you should knock on the door then we can return to the original plan of tagging her moist fanny

LOL good silly times"

2010-03-11T14:14:00.004Z

As club statistician I happily create a weekly graph which denotes in an easy to view format the most important events of the week. This week we have a graph showing how Ed Doe deals with annoying people.

As you can see from the graph; he does it poorly.

Until next week, bloggers!